Blessed

This time, last year, I was freaking out, shaking and crying and could not get an ounce of sleep for the entire month of may. It was surprising that I didn't collapse because I couldn't eat anything either except for soda that I threw up.
It was exams time. Not just any exams but THE IB exams. It's tough. It does not need to be but with the ambitious thoughts of future lingering in your mind and the expectations as well as hope that others have for you, it becomes tougher.
I couldn't show my best because of my nerves. Yesterday, I gathered the courage to do the chemistry papers I had last year to practice. I was scared and in denial as I didn't want to recall and re-experience the feelings I had back then. What if. But as I went through it, I realized that my nerves had completely shadowed and repressed what I had learned. It was a flight situation and my brain was protecting me at its best. If I had taken the time to NOT freak out, I could've without a doubt, achieved a 7 which is the highest grade. But I didn't.
Tomorrow is psychology paper 1. Students are calling me and they're completely freaked out. They can't realize how much they know but obviously, they're in a flight situation. I WISH I xould help them..cheat xD I don't care! Education should be FUN and INSPIRATIONAL and NOT a journey that makes your abilities and capabilities feel limited or worthless. Clearly the system is not working cause many students around the world are completely loosing it right now.
This made me realize that even though I'm retaking 2 subjects, I feel blessed. I have had the time to grow and gain a deeper understanding of the subjects over the year. Sure, it would've been better if I'd got the grades needed the very first time but well, I didn't. One year is a long time to "waste" but I know now that it wasn't a waste of time. It made studying for me inspiration once again and I more than just "appreciate" it.

I treasure that.